Birth and Everything After

I'm not the kind of person that gets nervous or scared about things before they actually happen. In the days before my induction, I was asked many times if I were feeling those things. I replied no, maybe not until that day. And if you think about it with an optimistic view, women have been doing this for years on end; in the hospital, at home, in the woods, jungle, caves, etc. I also knew that once that day came, any pain I felt would be over with just as fast as it came. There was an end in sight.

Tuesday, September 2nd 2014
        Our good friend Maegan came over the night before to dog/cat sit. All our animals love her and she is very trustworthy. So with that worry out of the way, we woke up at 4:30am, got dressed, grabbed the bags and off we went. Sarasota Memorial is about a 40 minute drive from my house, so in a way I was relieved to not have gone into labor beforehand. We made it to the hospital and registered by 6 and were directed to our birthing suite. We got set up, I put my gown on and met my nurse (who was awesome) and laid in bed until my doctor came. He checked me and I was measuring at 3cm and 60% effaced . He inserted some medicine to make my cervix thin out even more and then left the room (approx. 7:00am). I never really felt anything- so all was well. The Dr. came back at 8:30 and broke my water. Now let's reflect on this moment a second- In my husband's words it looked as though "someone was throwing a bucket of water from inside out". I'm not sure anything could prepare first time Mom's for this experience. I am thankful however, that this didn't happen on it's own in public. You literally would just stand in a puddle. I made my way to the bathroom when I'm pretty sure my mucous plug came out and then there was blood. I asked the nurse if that was supposed to happen and she said yes. I guess I missed the part of birthing 101 where they say "after the dam has been broken you shall bleed for eternity".  At 8am the Pitocin was administered. Things really didn't get real until about 11. We spent the morning chatting with our nurse and getting to know her, watching HGTV and my Mom and Chelsea came in that time span as well. And then the contraction from hell came. It was so long and mildly painful. The nurse even was shocked to see it go on for that long. She didn't want the baby to crash so she pumped me with some fluids and I thought it would be wise to get the epidural before it got any worse.

      In the months before giving birth, you have to go watch a movie about getting an epidural so that you are able to get one; a pre-qualification if you will. If you think that getting a needle inserted into your spinal column is freaky, well.... it is. The feeling is uncomfortable. The Dr. administering it was very soft spoken and kind, however she poked me several times before finding the spot that didn't hurt me in one side of my back or the other. Once that medicine hit, I felt next to nothing. So much so that my legs would just fall to the side by themselves and that was just hilarious. Nurse Denise had to insert a catheter (#1-this is important later) since I was feeling nothing from the waist down. I don't remember too much at this point. I know we were watching Cupcake Wars on TV, my mom and Chelsea went to eat lunch, then my husband. My cervix was checked from time to time. At 4pm it was crunch time. I was just about 10 and Denise asked if I would like to start pushing. I wasn't against getting this thing over with! So with Chelsea on my left, my Mom on my right and my husband up by my head (because he was not allowed to watch the process) I began to push. A few good pushes and they told me they could see hair--- but this is where it got difficult. I could not make it past this point. I tried, and tried. They stopped the medicine getting pumped into the epidural so that I could feel the contractions and push with them. My doctor came in and he took over at this point. Then it got a little scary. In between pushes, I was asked to roll on my side because the baby's heartbeat would slow or she was in distress, I don't know- it was kind of a blur at that point. The pain was beginning to set in and when I would push, I felt like throwing up- which I was desperately trying not to do. Next I remember seeing a scalpel. "Oh crap- ,He's cutting me" was what came to mind. Of course I didn't feel it, but I knew it was happening. I also remember the nurse saying she wanted to give the baby more room and cathed me again (#2) so my bladder would empty. With lots of words of encouragement from everyone and about an hour of pushing- out came baby Jessica at 5:20pm. Her cord was wrapped around her neck, and I was later told that the cord was extremely long so they were not surprised that it was wrapped. She threw her arms up in the air and opened her eyes. She was very alert and very vocal. And then she was placed on my chest. I waited for that feeling- the one everyone tells you about the first time you hold your child- this euphoric, crazy love. Mmm.....nope. Nothing. I felt happiness, relief, and just wanted to look at her a while to see every feature but she was whisked away to get cleaned up, measured, weighed, etc. OK so what was going on down there?? I always wondered what the delivery of the placenta was going to be like--but I was still somewhat numb and felt nothing but poking and prodding, and eventually saw stitching. Eek. Now from here on out, I'm not sure of the order that things went, but I'll tell you what I remember. When I got the baby back, I nursed her... for 30 min on one side. Bad move. What's worse is that later I found out that she wasn't latching right and that was the reason it hurt so badly. Next the nurse asked me to get up and go to the bathroom. So I did and without any issues. I got to wear the famous mesh undies with a nice ice pack in them. Everyone was taking turns holding the baby and taking pictures and then after a short time, I was able to go up to my  recovery room.

   I met my new nurse once in my room and was visited by the baby's Godfather and my own father. It was fun to get to see my dad hold my daughter. He looked so happy. In between these visits the nurse would come in and press on my belly... Hey no one warned me about this crap! Apparently they do this so that they can make sure all the placenta has come out and you don't get some crazy horrible infection. It feels pretty horrible honestly. I had to pee- so I went into the bathroom... but nothing! The nurse gave me some tips on how to get my parts functioning again (using the squirt bottle, doing Kegels, relaxing, etc.) but nothing happened. She told me I would have to get cathed if I didn't go after 6 hours. Ok well, surely I would try everything in order for that not to happen. After 15 minutes of "Zenning" it out in the bathroom a second time--- nothing! My bladder was so full. I hit the six hour mark at like 11pm and I told the nurse I needed relief. Her demeanor was so crappy, I really wanted to hit her. She called in another nurse who was amazing and got my cath in so quickly (#3). My nurse said "OH you filled the whole bag!" once she came back and saw the bag o'pee. I really could have killed her at this point. So she chalked it up to sometimes your lady parts don't wake up fully after an epidural. Okay, that makes sense to me. I attempted to nurse the baby from the left side and again-pain and blistering. The right side had already started to scab over. There was no way I could touch that one again. As my husband, the baby and myself drifted off to sleep, the nurse came in at 1am LOUD and asked HOW YOU DOING!? LADY!!! I don't know if you noticed but I just gave birth and have been here all day- I'm trying to sleep! My husband was just as annoyed as I was. And then I had to pee again! But nothing came out and I felt defeated at this point. I told the nurse I didn't care if they had to cath me again, but I seriously had to go. ANOTHER nurse (coincidentally her name was Jacky) came in (not the same pretty one from last time) and tried to put on in--- and failed! She had to call the pretty one in who did it in record time. (#4) They left this one in overnight. Time to nurse again---SO PAINFUL. I told jerk nurse #1 and nurse Jacky that I don't think I was able to let the baby latch on again it was incredibly painful and the right one was stabbed already. They basically told me to suck it up buttercup but used more colorful words that I didn't care to hear. I was trying my best, but clearly it wasn't working out. I know breastfeeding probably would be uncomfortable but not like that. At 4AM nurse Jacky thought it was necessary to give the baby her first bath. WHAT!? This can't wait til like 7am?? I didn't understand why sleep wasn't a priority at this point in time. Since I had a cath- my husband took care of this process with the nurse and then we rested until shift change at like 7. So yes, pretty much zero sleep.

I was so happy to get rid of those two nurses, my next nurse was like a damn angel. I think her name was Susan. I promptly told her that I was having trouble nursing, I would be happy to try to pump, but my stuff was totally bloody and raw I couldn't have the baby latch on. I also thanked her for being so nice and I didn't want to punch her out like the last nurses. She sort of laughed at that. I may be a little intimidating. Next the pediatrician came in, but not ours. It was Dr. Keeley, who works in the same office, but I was very firm in my decision that I did not want her though many friends had recommended her. So when she told me who she was, I said- "OH I heard so much about you". But I was laughing inside. And so she began to sing and check the baby over. LMAO. I will never forget the look on my husband's face while he was watching and listening to her check the baby. She said the baby looked strong and perfect. After she left my husband was like, wtf!? Haha!! I explained who she was and that her singing was exactly why we could not have her as the baby's doctor to which he quickly agreed. My doctor came in and I told him about the catheters, to which he told the nurse- take it out, she will pee on her own today. He also told me I could go home today if I wanted, but only if I pee on my own. You bet your sweet pants I was going to pee on my own. I wanted out of that hospital ASAP. Nurse Susan, however didn't like that idea. She and a few others thought it would be a good idea if I stayed. No way in hell. The first thing I did was pee- yes- on my own. Then we would make our way down to the discharge class, which was taught by a dance mom who I've known for years. I felt so ill throughout the entire class but I'm sure it was from blood loss and low sugar. So I sat through class and sipped apple juice and waited till I could go back to bed. My mom came in and got the baby, and helped me back to the room. Everything was shifting downward in my body- organs and guts. UGH such a gross feeling. A short time later, Sheera (the dance mom) came in and helped the baby to latch on properly. I was grateful for the help, but I was already raw and blistered it was painful still. This is when I asked nurse Susan for formula as a supplement. Man, these nurses sure knew how to guilt you for not breastfeeding your baby. I felt no shame. I physically wasn't able to, but I wasn't giving up. I just needed time to heal. 6PM Shift change again. New nurse- Suzanne. Loved her. The baby got a hearing test and passed, and then Suzanne had to get her blood tests to send to the lab. We could not get cleared to leave until they all came back and Dr. Keeley was contacted. My mother in law came to visit as well as Mandy and Bella. Mom brought us homemade chicken soup to eat for which I was so grateful because I had zero appetite, but I can always eat soup! I fed Jessica formula and felt better knowing that she was getting as much food as she needed. Finally around 10:30 they brought in my discharge paperwork and we packed up and went home.

Looking back on this experience, I am disappointed on how I was treated by those two night nurses. I'm not an idiot. I know that breast milk is the best option for your baby. I also know when my freaking bladder is so full I'm going to have urine coming out of my eyeballs. I'm sure in training, they are supposed to be encouraging to new mothers because breastfeeding isn't always easy. But their ways of encouragement were not appropriate. Ultimately it is my body, and my baby. Listen to ME. Perhaps doing their job day in and day out they may get desensitized, but that is a poor excuse where I'm concerned, especially when they deal with brand new mothers. I am appreciative of my labor and delivery nurse who seemed to have a much harder job than my doctor did. She sat with me all the way through. I promised her I would have that baby before her shift was over, but not before she would have to tend to someone else and we achieved that goal together. She was assuring and a straight shooter, just like I like 'em.   Part two to come. xo-JV

Week 38

       A perpetual state of uncomfortableness- that sums it up. All basic actions of life usually have to be performed with modifications. Sleeping (if there is any) must be done so in segments; Fall asleep sitting up, wake up and pee, switch positions, rinse and repeat 4 more times. Eating must happen in small portions because there is just no more room in there for both a meal and a baby. Walking is done in moderation because the pressure in my pelvis is just too much to handle. Sitting down for more than 5 minutes requires a new position every 5-10 minutes. And everywhere I go, I need my Tervis full of ice cold water. I think I might drink the equivalent of a swimming pool daily, which means I'm visiting the bathroom that often as well.  This pregnancy has been quite the experience, but it's time for it to be over.

       This week I had the privilege of putting life in perspective. I was driving home from work on Friday and was about 2-3 miles from our exit on the interstate when traffic began to slow and in a matter of minutes dozens of emergency vehicles were passing by in the emergency lanes. I knew it had to be very bad after seeing EMS Supervisors, 3 fire trucks and countless police fly past me. I could see people in my rear view getting out of their cars, trying to catch a glimpse of what happened, talking on their phones angrily because they were stuck. Eventually they closed the interstate and turned us all around to detour back to the last exit. I thought to myself, "it would really suck if I went into labor right now" And after driving for 2 1/2 hours on a trip that is typically 25 minutes, I made it home to my husband. I still had my life, while someone else did not. Even if I went into labor, I'd still be alive- I would have been taken to the hospital by one of the many emergency vehicles rerouting traffic and I would have been fine. Sure my bladder was really full, but I made it back just fine.  On my way to work there was another fatality accident  where again I was thankful for my life. I sure will pray for those families that lost their  loved ones.

     And finally- My last doctor's appointment was today. I'm still 2cm dilated, she is still head down. I felt minor disappointment today knowing that those painful "contractions" did nothing to my cervix (well maybe it thinned out...but whatever!) However, the end is in sight. My doctor has scheduled me to be induced on September 2nd. He asked me last week if I would want that and I said I would consider. My doctor would be the one to deliver the baby, and I could have the epidural at anytime (he said that...that won me over). I debated even writing this because I know there are so many people out there that have their opinions about getting induced and the baby will come out when ready- but this is my body and my daughter's birth - I get to choose. You are more than welcome to share your opinion or voice your concerns but she has 7 days to vacate the premises or she is getting evicted.
xo-JV

36 weeks and Reality

Reality is sometimes a hard thing for people to digest. They often times turn a blind eye to the truth or maintain this picture of what "it" is going to be like. Whatever "it" is, I often times like to know the ins and outs of "it", what "it" could possibly be like even though the experience may vary from person to person or through time and space. I want all the scientific knowledge laid out in front of me. That has been my approach with many things in my life, and my "it"; Pregnancy. For me knowledge is power. The power to prepare my mind (and sometimes my body) for what will come my way. And though I may not fully understand any scenario until I experience it, I can understand what is happening while it is occurring and perhaps eliminate some fear and have the ability to cope. Pregnancy has often been portrayed to me as a beautiful thing. I often hear women talk about the "glow" and the amazing time they had during their pregnancy. I've been very real about how I feel about pregnancy, and the only thing amazing to me is that my husband and I have created a life; there is a human being living in my body and I can feel her live. She is exactly one half of me and half of my husband and I get to hold her and love her at the end of this journey. The other parts of pregnancy can take a long walk off a short pier (except the luxurious hair...I'll keep that). I can't say that I've been surprised by anything that has happened to my body because I researched and asked about it. I asked for the ugly truth and I was thankful that I got it. The one thing that I did underestimate however, is just how damn tired I would be- both in the first trimester, and in this last month. In preparing for labor, I have been doing more reading of course, but I received a piece of information that makes me smile right now as I'm writing this. One of my very "real" dance moms said to me the other day, "Can I tell you something?" I said of course. She said, "You are going to feel like your dying, but your not. The pain is like nothing you have felt and you will think you are dying but you won't". Perfection must be that woman's middle name because I needed to hear that. That was her reality, and she was kind enough to share it in a very raw and real way with no sugar coating on top.

My 36 week appointment was a quick in and out visit. They had to do the swab for Streptococcus B and I thought he may check me to see if things were progressing at all down there...but no, he said next week. When my doctor entered the room he asked how I was doing and I said "I'm very pregnant". He chuckled and said "Well that's a good thing". I laid down so he could measure my fundus (curvature of my stomach) and he said "Whoa! You really are pregnant!" And then it was my turn to laugh. Baby's heartbeat was perfect, I still am weighing in at 24 lbs gained and my blood pressure was normal. I've been feeling like my period is going to start between once and twice a day, a few Braxton Hicks here and there, and some round ligament pain in my side. Otherwise, I feel just fine. My husband is installing the car seat this weekend, and I ordered the last bits of important things (baby swing, breast pump). I am just looking for curtains I like. Tomorrow I will visit another pediatrician since the first one was a big NO for both of us. My hospital bag is almost completely packed. Can I just say that I miss work. Not many of us are blessed to have a job we love- but I love mine and I have been putting in a few hours here and there, but I miss my real schedule. I miss dancing without physical limitations. And those who think I'm crazy for not wanting to take copious amounts of time off, yes I may be crazy in your eyes but my reality is that I love what I do and I can do anything- even with a baby strapped to my chest.
Have a great week everyone! xo-JV

Week 34 and Hitting the Proverbial Wall

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of fun, busy with family and friends and trying to get the last things checked off on the to-do list. My birthday/baby shower weekend was amazing. My awesome husband flew my cousin in and my aunt and uncle also flew in (but that was a total surprise). We received wonderful gifts at the shower and continue to be blessed with the things that we need for this little girl when she gets here. It took me a few days to recover from all the fun and I also taught my last classes of the summer last week.

I don't think I've ever felt so tired in my life. This is it... the home stretch, but it feels like a battle that continues to climb uphill and that hill is getting steeper and steeper. Visits to the doctor have been every two weeks and today was particularly interesting. My doctors office is located across the street from the hospital; there is a parking garage in which I always park on the 2nd floor, walk down a flight of stairs, cross the street and take the elevator up to the 8th floor to the doctor. Up until today I always took those stairs like a champ, feeling great and never had a complaint. Today I wished for a wheelchair, an ice water, and the elevator.  This weekend my husband told me I looked so miserable. The truth is, I feel miserable. I want to live in the frozen food isle at the grocery store because its the only place that I feel cool. Sleeping is increasingly difficult and some mornings I'm up at 4:30. When I shift positions, it is often painful because the baby is weighing so heavy to one side, she too has to adjust. I can't take naps due to my migraines and I'm so tired of food. Many of you just laugh at that, but it is so true. I'm so sick of eating. I don't even want to look at food anymore! Previously I would see women at the grocery store or randomly around town looking disheveled, no makeup, hair in ponytail, clothes that don't matter.... this is now me. My passion for makeup is so big, but I can't even bare to do it now more than a few times a week. This is the wall. I've hit it. I can do nothing else but wait 6 more weeks for this angel baby to get here.

Although the trek from the parking garage was hot and tiring, my doctor's appointment went well. Heart beat sounded great, I gained 3 lbs (total of 24 now) and the doctor estimates the baby is around 4 pounds right now. I see him again in 2 weeks and get my Streptococcus test then. After that It's every week! She has been head down since my last visit and continues to be in that position. I've been having a little anxiety about the actual delivery, but I think its more because I don't know when it will happen (control freak right here) than because of the pain. I can endure pain because I know it will end at some point. But for now- keep baking the bun! Xo- JV

Delivery Horror Story

Every Mom has a story to tell you; about their pregnancy, about the birth of their child, about how different one child is to the next, the good, the bad, and the unpleasantness of being awake all hours of the night. One of the first thing someone said to me when I got pregnant was not to listen to the delivery horror stories. Everyone is different, every delivery is different and I should not let someone's horror story scare me. I didn't realize how important that was until yesterday. 

As I'm talking to another Mom about their child, they bring up that they had a midwife and gave birth at home (which I applaud every time). She continued her story with 38 hours of labor, an over 9lb baby and having to basically poison herself with castor oil to get her labor going. At this point, I may have had a look of "OH MY...What the?" on my face. She also let me know that so many times, the doctors at the hospital wanted to induce her because she was past 40 weeks and because of her weight. She ignored them all and had the baby at home at 42 weeks; again Bravo! Then she started to bash the hospital I will be delivering in (not knowing I was going to deliver there). She said they have a 38% emergency c-section rate, and that 7 of her girlfriends had their babies there and they were ALL c-sections. No matter what my birth plan says they will try to bully me into starting my labor/breaking my water/ etc. etc. etc. At this point, all I could do was listen and nod politely because I just couldn't believe my ears. After finishing her rant, she asked what my plan was. I smiled and said where I would be delivering, who my doctor was and initially I did want a c-section but because of timing and work, I will try to deliver my baby with an epidural. She was a little taken aback, and I'm sure wondering if she had offended me. I explained that I am not one to be bullied into anything regardless the situation. She explained that you are in a different state of mind, and that I would be more easily persuaded. Again I just nodded and accepted what she said (she doesn't really know me very well). After she left, I sat and thought to myself a few minutes before proceeding with my day. I wanted to thank the person who told me not to pay attention to such horror stories (though for the life of me, I can't remember who it was) and second, I thought about my doctor and how I trust him. If the baby or myself were truly in danger, he would tell me without hesitation and I am not opposed to a little help so I'm not in agony for hours and hours trying to deliver the baby.

To this woman I would like to say "Thank You". Thank you for giving me that "horror story" that I was warned about and sharing your birthing story with me. I'm not scared because I know that the pain is temporary and so many women before me have done it, with or without drugs, c-section or not. However it happens, I'll hold my baby in my arms at the end of it all and will have another story to share with others.

xo-JV

Week 30

       When I hit the 30 week mark this Saturday, my brain kicked into overdrive with all the things that needed to get done before this baby gets here. I basically want to redo my entire house. LMAO! It's not going to happen, but if I could, I would get every surface repainted, cleaned, organized, and decluttered. So the nesting has begun. The baby's carpet has been washed and is simply awaiting the arrival of furniture.

         I went to the doctors today and from this day forward, I will see him every 2 weeks, then eventually once a week.  Now before you read any more- this is my disclaimer. If you are squeamish, prude or don't care to know about the harsh realities of pregnancies- DO NOT READ ON. If you can't hear or say the word VAGINA or discuss bodily functions---turn back now--- you have been warned!

                Since the very beginning of this pregnancy I have said, this isn't for me. There is nothing about this that makes me think I want to do this again. And for all of you who are saying, "yes but you will change your mind once you hold that baby", I say- You don't know who you are talking to. There is no doubt in my mind that I will not want to do this again. AND I am black and white- there is no grey. I will tell you how it is, no matter the circumstance (and some people think I'm a bitch for this) but that is why this blog is called Reality Check. Now, I understand that there will be this crazy amazing love for my child, and I will never be in love with anything so much in my life once I hold her. But everything leading up to it is unpleasant, and not so beautiful. The ONLY part of this pregnancy that has been fun is watching and feeling her move, but even then she sometimes hurts. I'm 18 lbs heavier and this isn't an easy thing for me to live with.  The thought of gaining 5-10 more lbs is killing me. I'm already really uncomfortable and sleeping has become a game of which pillow goes where and how many times can I get up to pee. The doctor says to me today "The baby is growing like a weed"! Translation- This kid is going to rip you a new one.   He then says "She is trying to be in breech position". Translation- C-section. LOL I know a lot can change in the next couple of weeks but that's literally what runs through my head.

             I have also hit the point of zero patience. My partner in crime (my husband) is also pregnant (didn't you know?) He has the cravings, the weight gain, and though he may deny it - the mood swings. He too wants to redo the entire house and do all these home improvement projects. The two of us together on a bad day is no good. Snappy, bitchy horrible people we become. I have zero tolerance for bullshit and half the time I don't even want him to look at me. In talking about the delivery of our baby, I told him that I DO NOT want him to watch that kid come out of me...and like hell if I will let anyone video or photograph. He said that he was going to watch and I said no way!  Now- in keeping the love alive in the bedroom and being nothing but beautiful in his eyes, I have NEVER gone to the bathroom in front of this man or even passed gas (girls don't fart don't you know?). That's right- In the 7 years together----never once did I let this happen. Of course being a military man, he can do anything in front of me without hesitation, but really I don't care for any of my senses to be violated that way. Haaa! So I said to him, "what if I shit myself while I'm pushing this kid out!?" He just laughed and shook his head. But seriously this is a huge concern of mine! Not only is he watching a watermelon emerge from my body, but then he has to see my bodily fluids and things....no no no...this just won't do. This totally kills the magic and mystique I've worked so hard to create!

      I cannot wait for this rollercoaster ride to be over. I would rather have a crying baby in my arms than no control over my body any day. When my boobs don't lay on my stomach when i sit down, I'll be a really happy gal. T minus 10 weeks to go. C'mon September!
xo-Jackie

Weeks 25-29

Recital has consumed my life for the past few weeks. There was very little time for me to take care of me, and bless my poor husband... even less time for him. Between picture week, extra rehearsals, evaluations, dress rehearsal, parties, etc. there wasn't much time to think of baby preparations. Luckily, my wonderful other half painted the baby's room on a day that I was gone. Her colors are lavender and gray (just one wall is gray) and the theme will be butterflies and flowers. In the coming weeks, the crib and dresser will be purchased and put in the room and hopefully an upholstered glider (rocking chair that looks like a big comfy one-seater couch). I'm super visual and need the furniture to go in before I can find matching portraits and accessories. This week I'm working on washing the carpet to get ready for the furniture that we will hopefully have in the next 2 weeks.

I had my glucose test in week 27 as well as an ultrasound. My weight gain was at 15 lbs total and my glucose test came back normal (yay!). The ultrasound needed to be done to see my cervix, as I've had surgery on it twice before. But that too looked normal (double yay!). The baby was hiding her face the first time around (they did an external, and then internal ultrasound), but I think once the glucose hit she woke up and flipped. The minute I saw her face, she yawned! Coolest thing to see.

And then I got to see her in 3D...We think that she may have some serious hair going on and check out those fingers!

I think she has my husband's nose, but he disagrees. Guess we will just have to see. The doctor said she is in the 60th percentile for babies and she looks really good! And finally some belly comparison pics so you can see the POP happen lol. I still have people come in to work and say "whoa I never knew you were pregnant!" There is no mistaking it now !

WEEK 23

WEEK 25

WEEK 28

WEEK 28

Weeks 19-24

When I said I was busy- I meant it. I haven't seen my best friend in 2 months. In the last few weeks I doubt I've "seen" my husband a full 24 hours (sleeping doesn't count) and in the past month I've had a total of two days off. The end of competition season for dance is a blessing, but it also means we are in full blown recital mode. In just 3 1/2 weeks it will all be over and my nesting can really begin.

In week 20 when we found out it was a girl, we were just thrilled. Yes, Bernardo had hoped for a boy but all along he suspected he would have another little pretty princess to watch over. He also decided he may need another gun and he must stock up on ammo. When he told Nadia (his first daughter who was also hoping for a boy), she was also ecstatic. Just a day before our ultrasound, we had to put one of our kitties to sleep, so we all went from crying one day to enthusiasm the next. It was a very emotionally draining week. The two people who were the most thrilled were my parents. I promised my Dad that if it was a girl, we would call him first. He also told me if it was a boy, to lie to him lol. So once we got in the car and out of the parking garage, we pulled over and put him on speaker phone. When we told him it was a girl, he thought we were pulling his leg, but once we assured him it was true, he let out a "wooohoooo!" and my husband went over later to celebrate with cigars and a nice bottle of scotch. My mom had to go shopping that weekend and bought the baby 5 or 6 new outfits. She couldn't contain her shopping craving any longer!

All along I have looked like I just gained a few pounds, but no one really noticed that I was pregnant unless I told them. Until around week 22/23. I had two moms at the studio say, "You popped". They were right. I got real pregnant, real fast. I am in desperate need of some maternity clothes, but because of time restrictions I have managed to buy one pair of shorts that fit me comfortably and I'm slowly running out of shirts long enough to cover my entire belly.

I've had no real cravings as of yet other than smoothies. I don't care what flavor, I just want them like 3 times a week (could be worse right?). The baby's movement has progressed from a kick here and there to full blown cartwheels and dance parties. I can feel her twisting, turning, and stretching any time I'm seated. She doesn't move very much when I'm teaching or walking around, with the exception of last night. She was so low that it felt as if she was dancing on my bladder during one of my classes. It was incredibly uncomfortable and thankfully she moved after about 20 minutes. In the past month I have gained 5 pounds, putting my weight gain total at 13 pounds total with 3 months left to go! Indigestion has not been a problem since I've cut out spicy foods (I miss you Mexican food!) and eat around every 2 - 3 hours. There has definitely been some round ligament pain and a little sciatic twinginess (that's a word right?) but overall it has been smooth sailing since I left that nasty first trimester.

I have my glucose test and another ultrasound in 3 weeks. I'm not really worried about gestational diabetes considering my weight and family history. The doctor asked to get my cervix looked at during the ultrasound again because I have had two surgeries on it in the past. I have cervical dysplasia and I believe I had my last surgery 2 years ago where they had to laser out a portion to remove "bad" cells. At 20 weeks my cervix looked great, so here is to hoping that everything stays awesome! The only complication I've heard from a woman with the same issue was that because of her scar tissue, she could not dilate. And now I have to go do housewife things before I head off to work. Hope everyone enjoys their long weekend- I know I will enjoy 2 whole days off!! xo

Week 18 and my world full of weird

Sometimes I wonder if the universe groups weird events and weird people all together and sort of dumps them on me all at one time. To me, the changes my body is going through is definitely weird and takes a great deal of getting used to. Going back to a previous post, I'm in front of the mirror more times than I'm not. I still forget that I'm pregnant and sometimes while I teach, I catch a glimpse of myself and get surprised! I forget that my belly is growing and I feel normal for the most part. It's kind of funny actually. So many of the moms at the studio and my husband's family have commented on how little my belly is- but it just feels so big to me!  Anyways back to the weird stuff. It started last week with the guy in the Prius brake-checked me on the interstate and then as I passed him, he flicked me off. Yesterday, as I'm driving home I spot a man walking down the road with his hand down the back of his pants scratching his bottom! What!? I had to do a double take. Finally, I had a cyber bully try to beat me down. I belong to a FB page that supports the no kill movement in Manatee county. They network shelter dogs who are on death row, help others rehome pets and work together to right the wrongs of the shelter system. There are a lot of dedicated people there, and then there are a few who are questionable in character. One man in particular who has been banned from the site, had posted something about a recent case in Manatee county on another animal site. Someone reposted it and I asked if he was the same man who I've seen threads about threatening woman volunteers with scathing emails. Matter of fact, a woman messaged me privately and said in fact it was and she had been on the receiving end of some of those "crazy/scary emails". I then received a message from him saying that I was ignorant and that he only deals in facts and I should go back to my fairy tale land. HA! I let him know I was not someone to be messed with and that cyber crimes are serious and neither I nor my husband would let any remarks he may make get swept under the rug. I contacted the page administrator and told her what transpired and she too received some crappy email from this guy. After all of this, I'm wondering what else could possibly happen. What other weirdness is the universe is going to throw at me this week?

Bernardo and I are anxiously waiting for week 20 when we find out the sex of the baby. He is convinced it is a girl, but I have no feeling one way or the other. I have had an aversion to eggs... not cooked ones, but ones that just get cracked opened. I cannot cook them without getting queasy, but I can eat them okay as long as its not first thing in the morning. So strange. I've had no real cravings, I'm just hungry like every 2 hours. Sleep has been okay. I definitely miss sleeping on my stomach and now my back. I think that I've become a little more impatient. I hate standing in line and my dog is increasingly aggravating when he won't poop! LOL. The little things right? I discovered how real mommy brain is yesterday and I could barely form a cohesive thought or remember what I was searching for, or even know my right from my left. I hope that isn't forever! I've felt the baby move a few times, very small and slight but good to know it's alive and kicking. The dreaded trip to the maternity store is going to have to happen soon. All my growing is in my belly thankfully, but I cannot button my shorts and sit down comfortably anymore. *sigh* Off to make banana bread :) Have a blessed day! xo

Have Baby, will travel

I just realized how busy I have been in the past two weeks when I saw that my last post was about week 14. Today marks week 17 and all is well in Baby Land. A lot of my dancers and their parents have been asking if I'm going to or if I have already found out the sex of the baby... The answer is no, I haven't found out yet, and yes we will definitely be finding out. I like to plan everything. I even tried to plan this pregnancy to the month, however my efforts were thwarted by higher powers. I think He likes to keep me in check; just reminds me that I can't always be in control. Trust me I know, but that doesn't mean I won't try. The past few weeks have been spent getting ready for our first dance competition of the season. Rehearsals, sewing, stoning, gluing, more rehearsals, shopping for props, makeup, etc. And here I am sitting in the hotel room waiting for the clock to strike 10pm so I can allow my body to get the sleep it's asking for. I would have to say that the hardest part of traveling while pregnant is not knowing if the bed is going to allow you to have a decent night of sleep and (while at competitions) the constant urge to have to pee while watching and waiting. Waiting.... there is so much of that here. I spoke to my husband earlier today and told him that competitions are a lot of "Hurry up and wait". You frantically rush to get everything you need for this event, rush to get your dancers ready and on stage at the right time, and in just over 2 minutes it's all over. You then sit and wait, sometimes for hours to hear the results of the competition. And each time you do this (especially if you have multiple dances in one day as we do tomorrow), you have a big adrenaline dump while you are sitting and waiting and then again after awards... over and over again.
You eat bad food and have the potential to be sick by the time the weekend is over because there are so many people and your body is clearly exhausted.

Alright enough about that, you want to know about the baby. Last week was my doctors appointment. I thought I was going to have an ultrasound and perhaps find out the sex of the baby. My husband happened to take the day off and my stepdaughter was on Spring Break so we all went in together. Well we were both disappointed when my nurse told us we were just going to hear the heartbeat that day. The look on my husband's face was so disappointing and also (I believe) a little bit of blame. I explained that when they tell me when my next appointment is, they don't tell me what is going to go on. I assumed that this was the next step, and unfortunately it wasn't. It was great to hear the baby's heartbeat at 160 and to know that I gained 2 pounds since this whole thing started....I lost 5 at the beginning. April 22nd is THE day! They will do bone measurements and find out the sex of the baby. My blood pressure is low 105/53, and yes this is normal for me. I haven't had any cravings and I am finally REALLY showing. Coconut Oil everyday!  Every morning I wake up stuffy, and it's allergy season to top it off. The other night I got up to go to the bathroom and felt the baby move when I layed back down. It was very cool. All in all I feel great. I think my body is looking a little bit alien like right now, and my husband is being awesome to his preggo wife ;)

Week 14: The body beautiful

I'm writing this while laying on the couch with the button of my jeans popped open. I've finally hit that point where I can still fit in my pre pregnancy jeans but they are just uncomfortable enough to make modifications. While reading some Mommy Blog somewhere in cyber space over the past few weeks, I saw this belly band advertised that would allow your top button to be open, but it would still hold up your pants- kinda looks like you have layered shirts on. I thought this was an amazing thing and would help to stretch out my time to NOT wear maternity clothes. Today I went shopping at the Outlets with my Mom and took my very first step into a Maternity store. I was hoping to find these belly bands and not really to look at anything else, but my Mama had other ideas. She pointed out maternity capris and shorts and cute shirts, all to which I thought "ugghhhhhh". Why the adverse reaction to preggo clothes you ask; let me explain:

Since the ripe old age of 2 I began to dance. Tap and Jazz were always my passions and still are to this day. But anyone who knows anything about dance understands that ballet is the foundation of it all. I never fell in love with it because I didn't fit the "type". I was always very tall and never what you would call petite, which is exactly what those ballet dancers were. Sleek, svelte, petite little beings who fluttered across the stage with their tiny frames. I always carried a little extra weight in my pre teens and teens. Nothing much but enough meat to fill out my already large frame. In high school I was one of the tallest on the team, which leads you to always being placed in the back. I had boobs and a butt to match it all and I didn't come to love my body until I was in my early 20s. It was then that I understood that having thick thighs and not being skin and bones was an amazing thing. I have always strived to stay in shape and of course would diet and over exercise hoping to achieve perfection. I've always been body conscious and everyone from my Mom to my Husband could not understand my obsession. Dance has done many things for me, but it also made me hyper aware of what I look like day in and day out. I was still a dancer myself when I started teaching at the age of 16. I would spend hours in the studio, on the field, performing week in and week out. And now as a career, I do much of the same. I am the example, I am what the dancers see. My level of fitness and confidence is what they will want to achieve or even surpass for themselves. Dancers spend the majority of their time looking in the mirror, constantly comparing or adjusting their movement to other bodies in the room. Unfortunately it is why so many dancers end up with eating disorders. There is always someone better, thinner, someone who can jump higher and turn faster and we rationalize that it is because they are lighter. Is it the truth? No of course not, but that's what goes through our heads.

I knew that getting pregnant would forever change my body, and of course I hope and pray that it will come back to what it was and able to do the things it did just 10 months before. I still can't help but fight it- fight the fact that my top button on my favorite jeans must remain open if I have to sit down, the fact that I am slathering copious amounts of organic coconut oil all over my stomach, back and boobs to prevent stretch marks, and that I really don't want to buy stupid looking maternity jeans with the elastic waist. I'm going to do it, but I don't have to like it! I came out of the maternity store today with exactly what I wanted- the belly bands. My only excitement was that they were on sale and had different colors.  I'm creating a tiny human in my belly which is an amazing thought and from a scientific perspective, really intriguing when you think about how rapidly it forms. I always hear that mothers make incredible sacrifices for their children. Maternity store shopping is a sacrifice for this Momma!

P.S. I feel great this week- Eating well, no vomiting, I still hate bodily fluids from my animals, I can no longer smell their wet food without gagging, and I had a great prenatal massage this week.

xo-JV

The Second Trimester: Days 1-3

I am a knowledge junkie. If I hear about something and I don't know who/what/where it is, you can bet that I will be Googling it sometime in the near future. I have been this way for as long as I remember and I am this way with my pregnancy. Almost all women I have spoken to about my pregnancy have told me about feeling their best in the second trimester. You can bet that I read about it as well. In the past week I have been riddled with horrible morning sickness and vomiting. Earlier in the week I even had a migraine which is unusual because I have not touched any of my triggers leading me to believe it was hormonally induced. I have been anticipating today, the beginning of the second trimester. I was expecting rainbows and ice cream sundaes, but instead got more nausea and the worst back/side pain I have ever felt. I made my way through work by making sure that I ate frequently so that the nausea would keep at bay, and by the end of my 5 hour teaching day I was exhausted. I had plans to take my Mom to dinner for her birthday and knew that I needed to make it a few  more hours on my feet. All day I had a nagging pain that would come and go in my right side, but then it hit me. Like daggers in between my ribs (in my back), I had no idea what was going on. I thought of the possibilities; over stretch, kidney infection, and because the pain traveled to the front at times, appendicitis. GOOGLE came up with many posts by women who experienced the same pain due to the shifting of organs, expansion of the rib cage and round ligament pain.  I was shopping in Pier One before my Mom's dinner and almost had to sit down out of sheer uncomfortableness. I couldn't take it anymore so I left the store and tried to relax in the car for a while before dinner. What a miserable pain to deal with.
After dinner I came home and laid in bed and by the next morning all the pain was gone. BUT I felt bigger than I did previously. In fact I went to my parents house for dinner Sunday night and my Dad said "WHOA! You got so big in a week". I can always rely on him to tell me the truth. So I believe those horrible pains were just my body's way of making more room for baby. No nausea all day Sunday and Today (Monday) I woke up and even ate an egg for breakfast! That's huge news for me. Before I was pregnant I would have an egg at least 3 times a week for breakfast. Since getting pregnant, the idea of it is so nauseating that I usually just eat a bagel or some dry cereal. I at an egg, toast, and slice of cheese for breakfast- no nausea, no vomiting---could this turn out to be rainbows and butterflies after all ?? Let's not jinx it ;)
Have an amazing Monday! I'm pretty sure I will! xo

Belly Pics! Take 1!

Just Found Out

12 Weeks 5 days

Week 12 Ultrasound Day!

The final days of week 11 were a little rough with some morning sickness and lack of appetite. But yesterday (Sunday) I felt like the normal me. I had energy, I wasn't tired, I wanted to eat and more importantly I got the house clean. No it's not nesting. Cleaning is a normal part of my weekly regiment. But since getting pregnant I haven't had the energy to do much else than go to work and come home and lay down. Today was the Ultrasound that checked for any abnormalities, Down Syndrome and take measurements of the baby. It was magical! He/she was asleep for the entire time, funny enough with it's hand on it's head (just the way my husband sleeps... elbows out!). I had to cough a few times to wake that baby up so the ultrasound tech could continue the exam. Once the baby woke up, it was kicking its legs and rolling side to side and lord only knows what it was doing with those hands! It was absolutely breathtaking to watch. It was especially interesting because with all that movement, I didn't feel one single thing. I fondly refer to the baby as my dancing baby. With all that movement, I wonder if I will ever get sleep when it is big enough for me to feel it's movements. My doctor was in surgery so I did not get to meet with him and was told he would called me. I'm anxious to know if all my blood work came back normal or not.

I think I may have over done it in dance tonight. On the way out the door I was dizzy and seeing spots..... It was reminiscent of the beginning of a migraine without the huge headache. Though I do have one a small headache at the moment. Hopefully after I eat it will subside. I am so grateful to have gotten a glimpse at my little one today. What a blessing. xo

The end of Week 11

I'm seriously pregnant. It's real. The ultrasound made it very real to me; seeing that flashing (beating) heart on the ultrasound machine made everything come true. My visit to the doctors on Tuesday was great. They took like 5 vials of blood, did the normal pap stuff, and talked to me about any questions I had. My doctor has been my gyno for 15 years and has had the same nurse for that long so they know me, and that is comforting. What is also comforting is that this guy is a straight shooter. Some may see this as not having a good bedside manner, but I see this as someone who won't sugar coat the bad stuff and will just tell me what I need to hear and not fluff. I like that. I need that kind of person. If something isn't going to go right, or its going to hurt badly- I need to know; I don't want to hear "everything will be fine". Let me decide that.

Telling our friends and families has been both amazing and exhausting. Both of my husband's sisters called yelling and crying and barely able to form sentences. It was hilarious. The congratulations keep on rolling in and the Facebook comments are honestly just too much to read. I am super appreciative to hear how many people love and support our family. My favorite thing so far has been telling my dance families, especially my younger dancers. They ask questions about the sex of the baby, what I would like to have, what I will name it and my favorite so far, "well when you have a baby, who will teach us?". After I explain that I will have a substitute for just a little while, their faces cheer up, understanding that I will be back. Another great comment I keep receiving after I say there is a baby in my belly is, "But you are still skinny". LOL. I then smooth down my shirt and let them see that there is a small baby bump there and explain that my baby is smaller than an apple right now. I still have more students and parents to tell, but I am so happy that the cat is out of the bag because I don't have to hide my little bump anymore and look like the fat dance teacher (yes we have image problems, we stand in front of the mirror more hours than anyone else in the world- wouldn't you be critical of your body if looking at yourself in the mirror was part of your job? Lol).

I have another Ultrasound on Monday and I think maybe even more blood tests. If you are reading this in Florida- I hope you are enjoying the weather as much as I am. As for the rest of you, I'm sorry. :) Have a glorious Day! xo

Doctor appointment Numero Uno

I am a mixed bag of feelings today. Sometimes being logical and a realist is no fun at all. Just for today I want to live in the fantasy world where everything will be just fine. The doctor won't have any concerns, I'll see my child alive and well in my belly and go on my merry way happy and excited. Truth is, I'm scared! The scenario that plays out in my head is that while my doctor is talking to me, he seems concerned about my Thalassemia (Thalassemia is a blood disorder passed down through families (inherited) in which the body makes an abnormal form of hemoglobin, the protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen. The disorder results in excessive destruction of red blood cells, which leads to anemia. from Medlineplus.com), or they turn on that ultrasound and there is nothing...no heartbeat, no life, no little one. I'm really trying to be optimistic but at the same time trying to prepare myself for anything. This is a crazy vicious cycle I've put myself through ever since I was in a horrible relationship with an alcoholic; a mentally abusive, toxic relationship. It taught me to be ready for anything. Actually it taught me to be ready for the worst, because typically that was what I was getting. I learned a lot from that experience, and it made me tough but just for today I don't want to be that person.

Since week 10 started on Friday (Valentines Day), nothing exciting to report. Nausea here and there, fatigue- you know the normal stuff. My belly is getting puffy. I read that this is more from my bowels than the baby- but hey..it's still puffy. I've had some cramps, not so much in my uterus more in my stomach itself- my guess is from the ongoing expansion (sounds like a construction site). My hair is looking phenomenal! Normally a fine and limp, now feels a little thicker and seems to be growing back out nicely (a definite perk of pregnancy). So as long as everything goes okay today, we will be making our announcement tonight to everyone. My husband is ecstatic, I only wish we could celebrate this together. Our good friend Nino and his girlfriend, Jackie (coincidentally) seem to be on the same week as us----can't wait to tell them too ;)

Ok happy thoughts! You will see this all soon enough!
xo_JV



******As you all may know by now- Everything is great and the baby looks good. I am actually 11 weeks and not 10! Thanks for reading ;) xo

All alone in week 9

Remember when I said I wasn't craving anything in particular? That has drastically changed. I've been fixated on McDonalds Cheeseburgers for a straight week now. I haven't eaten crapdonalds (as I call it) in over a year! Why does my body want this garbage??  The answer is NO, I have not eaten it....but dang do I want it! Why can't I crave strawberries or even cake or waffles?

My husband left on Sunday for 5 weeks to train in Arkansas. I'm not sad to be alone because I'm really used to it, but I am sad that he will miss seeing my belly begin to grow and the first doctors appointment. Speaking of which, I am exactly 7 days away from confirming that all is well and growing fine. My heartburn has simmered down and I'm eating just fine minus the past two nights where I had a little right before bed. I haven't thrown up, but I still gag and even dry heave at picking up dog/cat bodily fluids...ewww.  So while my husband is gone, I typically do some sort of major house project. The last time he left, I completely redid our walk-in closet and put in some awesome shoe shelving. This time I need to tackle the guest room which will soon need to be transformed into the baby's room. The closet is FULL. There are 3 huge tupperware tubs full of teaching materials from when I was teaching preschool. I saved it all in case I ever needed to go back. The thing is, I can't say that I ever want to go back so I will empty out the bins and give my best friend, Juanita anything that she wants for her classroom. Then figure out what to do with the rest. This closet also doubles as craft storage and I just haven't the slightest idea what to do with all of that. Winter coats, military clothing and so much more is located in this closet. I'm going to have to come up with some creative solutions to be able to relocate all these things. For now I'm going to go snuggle a cat and relax before heading off to work. xo

Expanding

Tomorrow I reach 9 weeks. I have not been sick at all this week and had minimal indigestion and God, I am so thankful! I've been hungry, but not for anything in particular... except this one weird time I wanted Raman Noodles (which I haven't eaten in years). As I woke up in bed yesterday morning, I stretched my arms overhead and lengthened my legs and ooh! Did I do an ab workout yesterday? Nope. The answer is, my uterus is expanding to twice it's normal size this week (WHAT!?). That's some serious growing and it caused me to wake up to pee 6 times last night. Ree-dic-Q-less. I'm pretty sure I slept walked to the bathroom about half those times.

I'm having an increasingly hard time dressing for work. My shirts need to be a little on the baggy side because right now it looks like I've gained a few pounds and I don't want to be mistaken for a lazy dance teacher. I just want to say "I'm just pregnant people!" so they become sympathetic to my weight gain. I doubt it is much more than a few pounds, but it is incredibly noticeable to me and if I see it, someone else has too! As long as all goes well at the doctors on the 18th, we can make our big announcement in 2 short weeks. And then I can start pinning all the baby ideas on my Pinterest account that my heart desires!  It's the little things!
xo-JV

I've Been Hijacked

Today marks 8 weeks or how I like to view it, 2 months. This week has been a nightmare. I've been sick every single day this week and the timing seems to have no rhyme or reason. Yesterday was the first day I was able to eat 3 real meals, though I still vomited after breakfast. This little human growing in my body has hijacked everything about me. From my bladder to my meals, my time and stomach. I have zero control. Earlier this week I had my first emotional breakdown. I felt like I was failing at everything around me; my marriage, my job, my life. Even in that moment where I was crying my eyes out, I knew that this outburst was hormonally fueled and none of the things I was thinking were true. My shit is under control, because I'm type A and I keep it all together no matter what.

In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned my friend Kristen who has 4 children. I fondly think of her as a professional baby maker. She makes this whole thing seem like a piece of cake. She is tall and thin and when she is pregnant she has a little round basketball. As soon as she delivers, she looks completely normal again. If she was ever sick during her pregnancy, she never showed it and she prefers home water births of which I've seen pictures of and again she makes it look easy. She's a huge advocate of breastfeeding and nurses well into the 1st year of life. And even through the whole thing, she is still plays a loving mother to the rest of her children and an awesome wife to her sweet husband. Before getting pregnant and seeing Kristen in her pregnancy glory, I had hope that it just wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was really effing wrong. I understand that every pregnancy is different, but it is really safe to say I am not going to elect to do this again. And sure you are thinking, "she'll change her mind after her baby is born" but I'm 31 and my husband is 35, we certainly are not getting any younger AND we would love to enjoy our 50s with grown up children. My parents adopted 4 more children after my brother and I and they are currently mid 50's with their youngest being a 5 year old. At 65, she will be a full fledged teenager and they will be seriously tired!

For now, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of the morning because I'm feeling great and don't want to waste it. Have a blessed day! xo

Week 7 and my day in Hell

On the very first day of week 7, I puked. It was stomach acid only, but nonetheless, I puked. I sort of chuckled about it through the day and when I told Mandy, we had a good laugh about it too. I've been having a hard time cleaning up dog poop or cat/dog throw up as it would turn my stomach and make me gag. That's unusual for me. I went about my day feeling normal until bed time. I had some serious indigestion and I took a half of Tums to see if it would do anything.  I fell asleep, but was awake by 3am with horrible pain. Acid Reflux in full effect! I propped myself up on pillows, too, a Tums and drifted in and out of sleep for the next hour. Right at 4am, I was throwing up everything in my stomach including those Tums (which did nothing to help me). I felt somewhat better and went back to bed for a few hours only to wake up with the same intense pain I felt at 3am. I knew I wouldn't be able to teach and text everyone I needed to get my classes covered and rehearsals cancelled. I Googled all things that would help this horrible pain and went to Walgreens. I had read somewhere that women were taking Prevacid and I felt hopeful. I wanted to double check with the pharmacist before I did actually take anything. And so I asked him and he said anything that I take has to be prescribed by the doctor because it is so early in my pregnancy and to take Tums. GRRRRR! I told him Tums did not help and if they had any ginger drops and he looked puzzled and said he had never seen those there before. REALLY!?? I grabbed a case of Ginger Ale and a pack of peppermint gum and left. Feeling angry and sad. I popped open a can of ginger ale and put a piece of gum in my mouth and proceeded to CVS. Again no ginger drops but there was these chewy Tums that I bought as well as some Rolaids because at this point, I would try anything.

I sat on the couch most of the day and was not able to eat really anything. I fit in an apple, less than a cup of chicken soup and a few bites of rice that night. Not only was my stomach on fire, but my lower back and hips were also hurting. I couldn't understand why something the size of a blueberry was making my body do the most horrendous things. My husband lovingly said, "maybe you have a bushel of blueberries". NO! My Mom called and recommended Coconut Water and my hero went out to buy me some. Whoever drinks that on the regular can kiss my behind. It tastes very bad in my opinion. I don't know if it was what helped me or if the blueberry decided to simmer down, but by bedtime I was feeling decent and slept like a champ.

This morning I woke up fresh faced and with a headache. No doubt from the lack of food I ate yesterday. Fruit loops called my name and I am currently trying to digest them. I really hope to NEVER have a day like yesterday. It was so miserable and I was so useless. 23 days until my appointment.... praying there is a little heartbeat in there <3
xo-JV

We are Pregnant!! ...And why I didn't tell you

Just when I gave up, it happened. My period is pretty predictable. The entire cycle is about 28 days; I feel my egg drop around day 10, in week 3 I'm viciously hungry and a little grouchy, and in the days just before I start, my boobs may get a little sore, my right underarm sometimes gets sore and I get a random warning cramp here or there. Everything happened exactly like that, except the boob soreness was amplified x 100. I couldn't even let a shirt touch me without being in pain. And that's when I thought "could it be possible?" My friend Kristen, who in my mind is the ultimate baby maker (I'll explain why later), has told me that she always knew she was pregnant because of how her boobs felt. I didn't want to be excited, I didn't want to take a test right away so I waited.....5 long days. No period. I picked up a double pack of Walgreen's pregnancy tests on my way in to work (because one isn't ever enough to prove or disprove the most important thing of your life). I got to work, peed on the stick and it immediately read POSITIVE. It turned positive so fast, almost to say "you are SOOOO pregnant". I had a smile for 2 seconds on my face and then practical side of my brain kicked in. It could be false, wait til the morning and take it again. My Mom just happened to be at dance that night, taking my sisters to practice and I shared the news with her. But just as I shut my own joy down, I quickly squashed hers with my suspicions that perhaps it was wrong. I taught my classes, went home and showed my husband the stick who replied "What does that mean?" I was quick to say, it means I'm pregnant but I wasn't sure if it was 100% accurate so not to get excited. He agreed.

I woke up the next morning and quickly peed on the stick. Immediate positive again. Well shit, statistically that has to be accurate and...my boobs! Those things were out of control. My husband and I did a little happy dance and went on about our day. I shared my thoughts with him about not sharing this news with anyone other than our very closest family and the people who "need to know", my boss, his mom, my parents, his best friend (for moral support) and Mandy (who we fondly call our Shaman. She is our massage therapist, Reiki master and guru for everything health.... and my close friend).  Why didn't I tell you though? Well because this doesn't seem quite real yet. I won't get to see my doctor until February 18th (a month away) and I have no idea if my child is really alive and growing in there. The chance of miscarrying is higher during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. I can't even imagine the pain, both physically and mentally, of losing a child. On top of that pain you have to announce to everyone you just told about your bundle of joy that it is no longer there. And what about those people you don't see on a weekly basis? The ones that casually see you in a restaurant and asks about your pregnancy a few weeks or a month after you lost it? Reliving that over and over has to be a nightmare. We waited to tell you to save face.

So now that you know, I am writing this in my 6th week . I wanted to record my journey and share the symptoms so as not to forget! Nausea has been prevalent for the past two weeks, but I am thankful that I haven't been puking. The only food aversion I have had so far is cereal. My shins randomly itch like there is 50 mosquito bites on them and of course I'm peeing every 5 minutes. I am tired and my belly is growing... though it could be bloating according to all the crazy information about pregnancy out there. My husband has been ultra nice about me resting and taking it easy, even though I don't feel pregnant some days. This past weekend I experienced shortness of breath while teaching my more advanced kids. WTH!? So I have to get creative with what I'm teaching and not go so "full out" anymore. Other than that, I'm happy and my husband is excited and we are bursting at the seams to share this with everyone we love!

xo

Baby Fever

As I previously warned in my first few blog attempts, this blog would take on many faces. At this junction in my life, it will be about our journey trying to get pregnant. WARNING- It could get graphic! This is my blog, and if you know me personally, you know that I'm not shy about my body, the things that happen to it, or anything else for that matter. Don't say I didn't warn you. Now let's talk about how this all started.....

In February of 2013 I went off birth control. I had made a firm decision that if I were ever going to have a baby- this year would need to be it because I was 30 and my husband was 34 and frankly, we don't want to be old parents.  We were in a good place with our marriage, financially we were doing well, and I loved my job and he was getting a new job after he came home from deployment. I am a HUGE planner. I like to plan everything so there are no surprises and things typically work out. My thoughts were that I would give my system a good 6 months to get cleaned out of the junky hormones that birth control pumps into your body. HA! My good friend Mandy let me know that all that "junk" can even get stored in your fat cells and can sit there for God knows how long. I was still hopeful that my plan would still work. After the first month, the crazy periods began. It seemed to take on a pattern that every other month was the one I wanted to crawl back into bed and die. The cramps would radiate to my back and down my legs so much that it was uncomfortable to walk. Who the hell chooses to endure this shit when the pill gave me 3 day periods with minimal cramping and I was on a 28 day schedule almost down to the hour?  For the sake of smooshy, cuddly, cooing babies everywhere, I endured.

My husband came home in late July and we took a few weeks just dealing with living with one another and my stepdaughter again. It's so funny to look back at those weeks because the crap that aggravated me or him was so petty (ex. I leave my shoes everywhere, he uses an insane amount of toilet paper etc.). We had been through this once before so it was way easier to integrate this time around. And the baby making commenced! We really didn't start "trying" until late September/October. According to my ever-so-awesome plan, that would mean I could deliver in July. PERFECT! I wouldn't have to carry through the whole hot, humid summer and I could still be functional for Recital and be back in action for the new season in late August. So ideal- I knew it could happen- "could" being the key word. And of course, it did not. I tried planning around my ovulation and timing it with ques that my body would give me (I can feel when I ovulate). Nothing, Nothing, Nothing. My boss would ask me every time she saw me, "Are you pregnant yet?" and of course "NO" was the answer.

When December rolled around, I was sick to death of trying and failing. I was also tired of my Mom, husband, and anyone else who would talk about me getting pregnant. I was giving up. I told my Mom that we weren't going to talk about it anymore and asked my husband not to mention it. And the crazy amount of sex? Fine and well when I was 18-mid 20s, but c'mon----who really wants to have sex that much? It even became a task for my husband, especially when the both of us were just so exhausted after a long day. And that was it. I had enough and I didn't want to even hear or think about pregnancy or babies or ovulation ever again. My attitude became "if it happens, it happens".
And that is where I will leave you. It's mid-January and I feel like that mind set keeps the stress off. I have been told that if you are really trying and you stress about it, it won't happen for you.
Have a great day and be good to yourself!